Delusions of Grandeur

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”  - Mark Twain


Perhaps it is both a blessing and a curse that I have had the opportunity to be constantly surrounded by people who are uplifting, encouraging, and successful. As a result, I have nurtured a healthy does of ambition, and have been raised to believe that I can achieve anything I set my mind to if I am willing to work hard enough.  The reason why this great blessing is such a curse, because I find myself wanting to do more, much more.  
My parents were able to instill in me the value of education, not solely to make more money, but rather to help as many people as possible while doing what I am are passionate about.  My parents love what they do, and while it was not easy for them to raise a family while pursuing bachelor's and master's degrees, they wouldn't have done it any other way.  They effectively balanced our family life with school, and were successful in doing so. Consequently, I grew up thinking that if my parents can do it, then I can do the same.  Which, not surprisingly, I did.  Deciding to get married and have a family in college may seem like suicide to some, but it was all I knew, so that's how I did it.  I have two beautiful girls, a happy marriage of almost seven years, and a Bachelor's degree in the academic discipline I am most passionate about, History.  So what's the problem?


“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.”  - Thomas Jefferson


I don't like bragging about my accomplishments (despite the previous paragraph), but I needed to use it as an example of what my sudo-problem is, and more importantly, what I plan on doing about it.  I want to obtain a joint Masters' Degree in Public Administration and Law in the next five to seven years. This is not necessarily a problem, per say, but it would require many logistical factors to be taken into consideration. Fortunately, I have an incredibly supportive husband who loves me for my ambition, although he puts up with my many delusions of grandeur. He, of course, has his own ambitions of going to Grad school and achieve a Masters in Architecture, also in five to seven years, so we're currently researching universities that have the programs that I want, coupled with the accreditation that he needs. So what's the problem? 
Ambition feeds on itself. I trying to find happiness in my everyday life and be content with what I have currently, but I keep wanting more. More education, more experience, more edification. While I love my life, family, and current situation, I would still like to take my ambitions off of the shelf where I temporarily placed them and conquer my life long to-do-list.  I don't NEED more education, but I WANT more education. I don't NEED to write a book, but I WANT to write a book. I don't NEED to become a virtuoso harpist, but that's what I WANT.   The more I surround myself with great people who have done the impossible, the more I want to do the same.  Juggling between needs and wants, and prioritizing them into "essential", "necessary", and "nice-to-do" categories is what I'm currently working on, but this life is so short that I want to fill it up with as many experiences as I can.  Does this make sense?


“To be happy at home is the ultimate result of all ambition.”  - Samuel Johnson


There is nothing greater I can do in this life than helping my girls reach their potential and to know that they are loved and supported in their ambitions. But how can I do that when I want to lead by example and show then how to dust off ambitions? Where is the balance between doing something for me to teach them how to bring ambitions to fruition, and stepping back from my own selfishness and letting them explore this world at their pace and let them do their own thing?  I'm just worried that I'll always want more. That if I'm not enough without it (the degrees, the prestige, the diverse accomplishments), I'll never be enough with it. At what point will I want to stop learning, growing, progressing? I think never.  That bothers me to a certain degree, because I try to be so careful to enjoy the here and now and not always look to the future. But at the same time, I'm constantly planning for the future so I can prepare for the time when it is right to achieve my desires.  
I think this this is the crux of the matter. I want to stretch mysef, but not at the expense of my family.  But I won't know what my family can handle if I don't attempt to stretch them as well.  The girls can handle more at the age of seven and nine than they can a three and five, which is why I'm considering changing our situation at that point, but not before then. So we're practicing for the time being by having me work nights and weekends, so they get used to the idea of me leaving for work/school, but they know that I'm around during the days. Once they start kindergarten and first grade, our paradigm will shift again. I want to anticipate these changes in our family, and help cultivate them for good (to make the most of them), and if possible, fit my own ambitions into the cracks and free time created by public education.  We'll see.


Thanks for humoring this rant. Hopefully I'll figure out how to balance my ambitions with my life. Perhaps I'll get some sense knocked into me soon. :-) Take care!